Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
