we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
