I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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