Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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