the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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