Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
