When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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