dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
