Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
