ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
