Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
