Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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