Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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