His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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