your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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