you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
