you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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