Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
