I can text with my tongue
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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