Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
