Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
