I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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