im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize