fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
