i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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