the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
