I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
