We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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