I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize