Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
