he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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