How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
