Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
