I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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