Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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