Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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