the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
