my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize