Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
