if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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