I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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