3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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