We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
