You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The best revenge is premature balding
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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