I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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