NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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