Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
