I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
