last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
