Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
