she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
