oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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