My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
