WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
