You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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