GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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