She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize