Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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