You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
