when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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