My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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