discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
