That's intense
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
