The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
