I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
